Thursday, January 29, 2015

I am Haunted

I am haunted everyday by a little girl with a sweet smile, bright brown/green eyes and a little voice that begs “mommy, don’t leave me here”

At the time it was too painful for me to post about our last day with the girls. It is still very painful, but I am ready to share what happened that last day.

We spent a wonderful time with the girls. They were so happy to see us and immedaly asked if we came to take them home to California. Our interpreter told the girls they were not up for international adoption. That we were there for a visit after we just adopted 2 boys. We wanted the girls to meet the them. We were hopeful that S had a heart change and she was ready to be with our family. We called home for our agency to help us start paperwork to return for the girls in April or May.
Mike and I were just starting to come down with our sicknesses, but were trying our hardest to be fun and take them all skating.
For the next three days we spent quality time with all the kids and every night when we would have to return the girls to the orphanage V would sob and say “mommy, take me with you to California. I don’t want to go back.” And every night I would tell her “I am coming back for you tomorrow” This would not stop her crying, she still wanted me and our family.
The very last night as I walked the girls’ home S told me she was afraid to come live with us and she was not ready to make that permanent decision. She said she wanted to be hosted again this summer and would make a decision after summer is over. I was devastated, here we were so close to having our girl’s home and it’s gone again. It’s breaking my heart that these girls could be our daughters and they will spend time in other family’s homes, when they could be here permanently.
The next day was to be our last with them. As Mike and I got worse over night spiking really high fevers and having no energy at all, we had to call the orphanage and tell them we can’t come due to being so sick. They told us to come over and be seen by there doctor. We were giving antibiotics and throat spray. They did not want us seeing the girls because we were so sick, but we were told we could say goodbye from the door.
S was the first to come. She was very concerned for us and asked if she could come and help with the kids and make tea for us. We told her no because we did not want her to get sick. She hugged and kissed us anyways and said she knows we love her and she knows our family back home loves her too and she would talk to us later in the summer. She told us V was doing school and not able to see us. Which I was relived over, because we were so sick and I did not want to cry anymore than I already had.
It was snowing very hard at this time and we had to walk out to the street to get to our cab due to the snow being so deep. I got Mike and the 4 kids into the back of the cab and started to get into the front and that’s when I heard it… “Wait Mommy Wait!!!” As I turned around I saw V running through the snow sobbing with slippers on her feet and a coat. I ran back to her and she grabbed me and said “I love you Mommy, I love you” as I knelt down in the snow and grabbed her, sobbing I said “I love you my girl, forever!!” but this time I could not say, “I’m coming back for you.” I wanted so badly to be able to say “I’m coming”, but I couldn’t.
She ran back to the orphanage before we could say anymore. But WHAT more really, is there to say. As I sat in that snow 
weeping I once again prayed for this little girl I was sending back. I wept for the rest of the day and most of that night.
People ask me if I’m angry with S, but really I’m not. I am so filled with compassion for her, because she is in such bondage 
and fear. Satan has his grip on this girl, to keep her from a Christian home keeping her an orphan forever.

I send letters with photos, gifts and words of encouragement to both girls every week. Telling them they have a large family that loves them and prays for them everyday.
All I can do now is wait on the Lord… 
Sending back my girl

2 comments:

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  2. My prayers are with you, I can't imagine how your mommy heart feels. Even more I pray for those two sweet girls. Sasha has allowed negative fear to override the risk of a loving family-that is so sad, and I can understand she doesn't know any better. I fear that her little sister will resent her forever when she is old enough to understand that she is the reason they were not adopted.

    God Bless you

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